A Correlation or Infatuation
Your confidence is something to be admired
And no one doubts your physicality's.
If t'were a man better, I'd most certain be inspired.
If only the world shadowed your perfect civilities.
I have never been known to have low standards.
Even lengthy praises, cannot silence taunts of your insufficiencies.
But my infatuation; twisted as a 1000 lanyards.
You've traveled the path to my heart with efficiency.
I've caught you stealing glances at me, signs of adoration?
I know I'm guilty; subtle looks; hints a complex feeling.
Do these scarce moments show a correlation?
Our upholding layers of insecurity are finally peeling.
My abandoned boldness has been regained; and I'm throwing my sense out the door.
I've fallen for you and all I can do is hope you catch me before I hit the floor.
6 comments:
Lelani-
I really liked your blog and I think that you made some great improvement on your sonnet ever since the first day we met in groups. It sounds great now - I like it shorter. Good job!
-Kathrin
I see you have decided to discard the traditional iambic pentameter for free verse. I guess it would be better, because to fit the all the stuff you say into five feet would destroy the excellent word choice. Sometimes, the commas and semicolons get in the way, as in the sixth line. In line 10, the semicolons join things that are the same structure: one is a full sentence, one is a noun, and one is a phrase. It would sound better if it were something like "..; subtle looks; a hint of complex feelings" or "subtle looks hint at a complex feeling". I don't quite understand what you were saying in lines 6 and 7. Other than that, your sonnet contains a lot of colorful metaphors, good rhymes, and a creative juxtaposition of two metaphors in the last couplet.
your sonnet was so strong by how big and powerful you used your words. i like how make us feel what ur feeling through your words! awsome sonnet
leilani, great job on your sonnet! I really liked your word choice, rhyming, and metaphors! -Katherine
I loved the complexity of this poem. it was very analyitcal, but still had a soft theme to it. I think you last two lines are a little bit awkward.
Great job.
-Yulia
good job... but try to make sence with your words a little bit more... but nutz!!
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